What happens when your Christmas tree has a mind of its own—and it’s hungry?
I Hate When My Christmas Tree Tries to Eat Me is a collection of three queer, light-hearted, cozy-horror tales about love, chaos, and carnivorous evergreens. Each story stands alone but shares the same twisted roots—Dirk’s Tree Farm, where the trees aren’t the only things being trimmed for the holidays.
Story 1: Menacing Trees & Mixed Signals
I’ve dodged my parents’ “come home for Christmas” guilt trips for years. Nothing kills holiday cheer like a brood of Mormon cousins running helter-skelter, Uncle Orem’s weird odor lingering like bad potpourri, and two snot-faced toddlers nose-mining before diving for marshmallows in that… salad? Green Jell-O and marshmallows together do not make a salad! This year my excuse-job went belly-up, so I grabbed a seasonal gig at Dirk’s Tree Farm. Easy money, until the “baby trees” started whispering, my boss gave off Hills Have Eyes vibes, and Tali—the cute coworker from Brooklyn—might be flirting… or sealing my holiday doom.
Story 2: O’ Christmas Tree, Why Are You Trying to Kill Me?
All I wanted was to impress my pregnant girlfriend, Marcie, with the perfect Christmas tree. Cute. Festive. Domestic bliss. Instead, I brought home something with teeth. Now the cat’s furious, my baby mama’s traumatized, and the tree keeps trying to eat us between our Hallmark-movie moments. I just wanted to decorate, not die trying.
Story 3: From Horror to Home: A Carnivorous Tree’s Journey
I watched my siblings on Dirk’s Tree Farm come and go. They always seemed so happy to leave, and I want that too! But I’m a good tree—I stay in my nursery and do as I’m told. Then the needles started flying, chaos broke loose, and I realized this might be my only chance to see the big, wide world—and learn what it means to become a real Christmas tree. Maybe I’ll pick up a human snack or two along the way. Pig meat gets old fast…
Who knew surviving Christmas could be so… complicated?
Grab some cocoa, light a candle, and pray your tree stays in its stand—because this season, something evergreen and evil is invading the holidays!
45,000 words of LGBTQ+ cozy horror with light swearing, mild violence, some mention of child neglect, and a whole lot of festive mayhem.
